Hurdle of this journey

Every journey has its hurdles, and man was this journey’s hurdle mountain sized in the beginning. Learning that I was pregnant a week after the break up was bittersweet. As we navigate through that confusing time, I will reveal how I managed to get through it. Spoiler: God’s hand was all up in this mess, making it glorious.

I did not handle the break up well. I had an extremely wild night after the break up that I was not proud of, in an attempt to numb the pain. After this new low for me, I turned to God trying yet again to rectify my relationship with him. The week after, when getting the positive pregnancy results, rectification had ended and I was back with Mike. Despite telling Mike we do not have to be a couple and we can just remain friends, he insisted we become a couple again. We were now trying to piece together and peace together a relationship that had ended way before the end date was made official.

We started dating again and I was 100% in, ending anything that started in that week span. Mike on the other hand was not, as he kept sexual relationships with the others. I would come to learn this months later and this created another hurdle to jump. This hurdle caused Mike to suggest abortion on multiple occasions. I might not have been the child of God that I was supposed to be at the time, but I knew that abortion was one thing I couldn’t do. (I have nothing against those who choose to have abortions, it just wasn’t an option for me and I do not condone in it for myself) With all the drama, I lost my job and my pregnancy began to prove itself to be more difficult health wise.

Earlier that year at a routine gynecologist appointment I was told I might not be able to carry a child. The fact that I was pregnant months later was a blessing from God for a purpose. So I knew that if I had an abortion I would have died (that could’ve been spiritual, mental, and/or physical death). Just in case there was a loophole, I did things like scheduled a date on a speedboat ride that said ‘avoid if pregnant’. Any attempt to “accidentally” miscarry failed, that day the reliable boat suddenly stopped working; I knew that it was the work of God. The pregnancy not only continued, my health going through the pregnancy improved dramatically. I was happy because I always wanted a baby especially a boy, but the emotional, mental, and physical torment with Mike made the pregnancy almost unbearable at times.

I ended the relationship with Mike at 7 months of pregnancy, opening the doors of coparenting. We did not see eye to eye, he didn’t think that he should send me money for the baby and I didn’t feel like the baby should be spending nights without his mother before the age of 1 year. There were a lot of things that needed tweaking in our ideas of coparenting, and over time conversations became arguments. After being threatened by Mike to have my son taken from me, I became overcome with fear and paranoia that he was going to try to take my baby. In the next post, coparenting stories will begin stick around.