The mommy

I never know where to start when I am talking about myself. The first thing I ask in response to “tell me about yourself.” is “well what do you want to know?”. So bare with me as I try to give the best, but short self description for you to understand who I am and my identity as a parent in Christ.

I was born into a sheltered “Christian” home, going to church every weekend but not feeling church. At my church being baptized was the popular thing to do once you hit the double digits in age. However, I am a competitive person and I was baptized at 9 (at that time I was the youngest baptized at the church). I was acting for the recognition and the big plate of food they give to you as a welcome into God’s family.

It wasn’t until I was about 11 years old, when home life was taking a negative turn, that I really sought God. Prior to the unveiling of my father’s infidelities, he was Superman to me. Not understanding my mother’s mental and emotional struggles, my mom was mom and never mommy. At this time I was alone emotionally and home was not home. I have an older brother, whom I consider my best friend, but he was off to college. While leaving me trapped with long nights full of yelling and pain, he was oblivious to the instability of our family.

I was lost in many ways, sexually abused at 12 by a fellow church member, I turned my back on God. In my mind I didn’t have parents, I had a roof without a home, I didn’t have protection or love, and I didn’t have God. Many things occurred as my parents bent to the pain of their marriage, but didn’t divorce. I started working at 13 to help out with bills as my parents grew weary not only at home but at work. During this time I wasn’t too concerned with boys and didn’t have another sexual encounter until 18.

When starting college at 18, I remained home paying rent and continued to help out financially. I was still going to church to fulfill the Christian duty, but I started to go to a sister church of my parent’s church. After a few months I started going to church for 30 minutes just so that people could tell my mom they saw me. Eventually I stopped caring about the report given to my mom and stopped going to church altogether. At this time I was going into my senior year for my bachelors degree to then become a physical therapist. I wasn’t interested in partying yet, maybe going to one or two parties a year and not really drinking alcoholic beverages.

This changed when my dad had a car accident that broke his neck, mid-back, and hands. The injuries caused him to have many surgeries, and wouldn’t allow him to return to work (to God be the glory he is still able to walk and eventually started working after a long recovery). At this time I was in my last two semesters and began working three jobs to compensate for the decrease in income. I also met someone who began to take my stress away with sex, “love”, alcohol, and parties. During this time I graduated but decided not to pursue physical therapy anymore and started working in a doctors office as a medical assistant. During this time I matured and ended sinful relationships with parties and alcohol, but there was something about “love” that I couldn’t escape.

While working I decided to go back to my old school to become a nurse. Since I didn’t allow God back into my life, I reconnected with many sinful things and my old party people. I started being out more, but still less than the usual amount I did prior to graduating. I met the dad of my son at a party during this time, and the story only gets “juicy” from here.

I was trying to get back in a good standing with God as I began the relationship with Mike (the fake name of Theo’s father). I wasn’t going out as much as before, I even started gardening and other hobbies to stay busy along with work and school. Mike was a filler for whatever extra time I had, both of us understanding that we didn’t want anything more than to be friends with some “benefits” from time to time.

One day Mike decided that he wanted to make us an official couple and I allowed it. What seemed healthy became quite opposite very soon. I was back to drinking and partying ten times more than ever before. I was doing things that I never would have imagined for myself; causing pain to others and receiving pain myself. In the next post I will focus on the relationship between Mike and I.